Because of Thy Life's Mission, Lord, I Too Will Serve

   


     I suppose it would be an understatement to say that I haven't posted in awhile (not that anyone follows this anyway). Life has been going by so fast, and I feel like it is continually picking up speed. Where did the last 7 months go? Didn't I just finish winter semester? Now its about to start again. I am in my third year at BYU, studying recreational therapy. I absolutely love it. Though the classes are challenging, and I am consistently pressed for time, I love what I am learning. I have three more semesters and an internship and then I am done done done.
     I was planning on graduating in June of 2015, seems far away, but really its not… really thats soon. 3 semesters, whoosh. So that was the plan…. but then something came up…finally.
     As many of you know, last October, President Monson announced that 19 year old girls could now serve missions. It seemed that everyone's lives changed. Suddenly there were so many more choices. Many people, including myself, put their papers in that week. I was 20 at the time, and felt it was something God wanted me to do. I was nervous but excited. However, I was disappointed to get a call from mission headquarters saying that I couldn't go because of my past high school eating disorder. My counselor from high school had written a letter saying that at that time I was unsuitable for missionary service. I was crushed. Why would God prompt me to go, and have me go through all of that, just to have me to not go? It took several weeks to finally understand. Sometimes Heavenly Father just wants to know our hearts. Will we go? Will we put aside our lives, even if they are going perfectly, to serve Him, and to put Him first?
     I continued to try to go on a mission. I started working with a new counselor who could get to know me and release me for missionary service. Her name is Melissa, and she has become someone very important to me; a really wonderful friend. It has been a year since then, and a lot has happened.
     About 4 months ago, I started feeling prompted again that I needed to go on a mission. This time, very specific details were given to me. It seemed overwhelming and I found myself angry. I didn't want to go anymore. Life was going so smoothly, and there were certain aspects of life that I really didn't want to leave behind. I kept ignoring the spirit and putting off fasting and praying for the answer. I was frustrated with God. Why was he asking me to do something that I clearly didn't want to do. I think the reason why I really didn't want to go was because of fear. Afraid of leaving my routine - my workouts, eating, school, friends, future plans. Honestly it was a really prideful time for me.
     During this time, I felt like I was in a spiritual drought. Perhaps it was because I was consistently ignoring the spirit, or not putting God first. But I became very unhappy. I seemed to have forgotten who I was. I felt like my prayers (when I did pray) were just hitting the ceiling. I talked to my dad one day on the phone about how I was feeling. He had asked how I was feeling about the mission decision. I told him that I didn't even know if God was there right now. We talked for a long time about what I wasn't doing in my life and why I might be feeling that way. He bore his testimony to me, and we set goals and things for me to do each day and week to become close with Heavenly Father again.
     I also talked with Melissa about how I was feeling. She suggested that maybe the reason I was feeling this way is because I really am supposed to go on a mission, and this is Satan trying his hardest to get me not to go. She also said that I would be able to serve a mission; that her consent would allow me to go. It was all something to think about. So I started being a more diligent person spiritually. I really needed to know. I needed to know that God was there, that he was listening, and I needed an answer for whether or not I should serve a mission.
     As time passed, I experienced several tender mercies. Little signs that God really was there, i.e. finding my keys in the mountains, a beautiful sunset, a feeling of peace. However it wasn't until last week that I finally received the answer I was looking for. I had been studying in the bible and read the chapters about seeking the Kingdom of God first. I then watched the Bible video about this. It was so powerful. I felt stirred to a sense of my duty, a sense of who I am. The words stayed in my head all week. "Is not this life more than meat, and the body more than raiment?" "Fear not little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."However, being stubborn, I wasn't convinced.
     Later that week I went to the temple. It was a very peaceful time for me, but my real answer came as I was driving home. I turned on my pandora radio, and tuned into the LDS hymns station. As I reached the parking lot of my apartment, the song Because I have Been Given Much came on. I hadn't heard this version so I stayed in my car to listen. It went through the normal verses, but then something surprised me. There was a fourth verse.

Because of Thy life's mission Lord,
I too will serve
I'll leave the comfort of my home
To teach thy word
I'll seek thy sheep who've gone astray
And those who've never known the way
I'll make thy work, my work, today
I shall give love to those in need
I'll show that love by word and deed,
Thus shall my thanks be thanks, indeed.

     As I listened to these words, I very powerful feeling of peace washed over me. The clarity had finally come. God was there, the Savior does live, and they both needed me to serve a mission. I prayed and once again knew that the time was finally right. For a year I had been trying to go, and it hadn't worked out. The timing was wrong. And now, finally, after months of praying and waiting, the answer was "Go, and go now." I couldn't be happier.

     I am grateful for the Lord's patience with stubborn girls like me. I am grateful for his mercy and his desire and strong willingness to forgive. I am grateful for the peace that I feel, and the confidence I feel in the Lord, to guide me through what is to come in this new chapter.

re-write - DONE

(A)In the depths of winter

The river’s iced and gray

Like the silence that’s between us

It settles thick like haze

I can’t help but wish that you

would meet my longing gaze

(B)cuz there’s a current that’s still raging

beneath the river’s frozen bed

you’re trying not to come undone

we could break this ice instead

(C)Oh cuz you still move me

despite this winters chill

I’m turning, bending, falling

in love with you still

oh you still move me

So I’ll hang on like 

oh you move me still

(A)You cant stop a river

unless you put up a wall

or it dries up with the heat

cuz even though there’s ice

the river still flows

freely toward the sea

(B)cuz there’s a current that’s still raging

beneath the river’s frozen bed

you’re trying not to come undone

we could break this ice instead

(C)

Feathers

Like feathers in the wind

and fragile leaves that fall

You move me

The colors that collide

Through stained sheets of glass

You painted

My dreams

I am the shadow on the wall

and you are my anchor through it all

I’ll follow you

as we face the new sun

unnamed

Summer sun

hanging low

like four o' clock

on a sunday stroll

silhouettes

black paper trees

rays that stream

through waxy leaves

Everything seems slower

yet it all goes much too fast

breath in your souvenirs

all your tokens to the past

the incandescence waning

with the turning of the leaves

summer evenings stolen

by a band of autumn thieves

blades of grass

shapes in the clouds

where dreams wander

and live aloud

but clouds shift

as do the days

and grass will die

with winter haze

(Chorus)

Ghosts of the Waves

The haze, hanging low

fill my lungs

fill my soul

the harbors, all disclosed

no direction

no where to go

(a)my thoughts, a clouded sea

sinking deep

I’m a reckless storm

the waves crashing hard

fill my heart

they destroy my home

(C)my sails seem to be tearing

my crew washed overboard

but these waves I’ll keep on sailing

until they rage no more

Perhaps I’ll find a lighthouse

a beacon to safe coasts

or perhaps I’ll sail in darkness

in the company of ghosts

(b)the spirits of

the price I paid

to sail this sea

my mind I’ll trade

(Chorus)

(a)With the wind they’re howling

a whisper

a plea

they’re pulling each direction

and the strain’s

destroying me

Cracks

(1)This heavy gray asphalt

We've been stompin’ for so long

Can it hold under this fire?

Will new cracks come with the dawn?

(2) Cracks are now are creepin’

And they separate our lives

We witness the destruction 

Filled with whispers, filled with lies

(c) Ashes, ashes, we both fall down

We’re burnin’ up from holdin’ 

To the cracks in the ground

Oh, ashes, ashes, it blinds our eyes

these cracks are all thats left of

our burning lives

1. The cracks spreadin’ wild

breakin up our hearts

our words fill them with poison

and the burning really starts

Hobo

Close the metal doors

let the wheels clank to life

rock me softly to sleep

on this train tonight

dusty planks for a carpet

your arm a pillow for my head

there’s no need for luxury 

when I’ve got you instead